Iowa Jokes

In Minnesota, if people are told they have six months to live, they move to Iowa, where it seems like a decade.

Cross eyed Cow

One day, a polish farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the end that YOU had put your lips on."

You know you are from Iowa when ...

During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids.
You are related to more than half the town.
You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it reaches back to town before you do.
You don't put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
Your quarterback is hurt and you're hoping it's the first thing on the 6 o'clock news.
There's a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
The local gas station sells live bait.
You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
You go to the State fair for your family vacation.
You get up at 5:30 a.m. and go down to the coffee shop.
You're on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
Little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.
You go to the river because it's almost like going to the ocean.
You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
All your radio preset buttons are country.
You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.
Using the elevator involved a corn truck.
Your mayor is also your garbage hauler, barber, and insurance salesman.
You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
You are walking knee-deep in snow.
You call the wrong number and talk to the person for an hour anyway.
Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.
You talk with a friend about some big event you are going to attend, and by the end of the conversation you've decided you're both too broke to go.
You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
Your early morning prayer covers rain, cattle and pigs.
You wake up when it's dark and go to bed when it's still light.
You consider a romantic evening driving through Hardees and renting a hunting instructional video.
You want to buy manure.
You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
Your nearest neighbor is in the next area code.
You leave your snow tires on year-round..
You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.
You know the code names for everyone on the CB.
You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair.
You'll skip your cousin's funeral for the first day of deer season.
You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in under 20 seconds.
You don't clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer.
You wear your irrigation boots to church.
You know enough to get your driving done early on Sundays before the Sunday drivers come out.
It takes 30 seconds to reach your destination and it's clear across town.
You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feed lot apart.
The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.
You consider a building a mall if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart.