Maine Jokes
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maine: For Sale
Maine: You can spit on Canada from here
The owner of a golf course in Maine was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maine, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those women from Maine.
A group of Maine friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Harry?" the others asked.
"Harry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Harry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Harry!
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at University of Maine was overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in "Maine" When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
The young Mainer came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Elmer, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Elmer replied, "Did you see who it was?
The young fella answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
NEWS FLASH! - Bethel, Maine----- Maine's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two local Maine college students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Bethel. Bethel search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
A Maine State trooper pulled over a pickup on Route 11. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, bout what?
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A MAINE GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Maine. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
You Know You're in Maine:
If you own more than four pair of gloves.
If every other vehicle is a 4X4.
If camping is allowed it's only in steel sided campers.
If, when the sun goes down, you start looking for your coat.
If in March your vehicle is 43% mud.
If you leave your keys in your car and the next morning your car is still there.
If you're on the shoulder of the highway with your hood up and somebody stops to help you.
If you can pay for six big macs with a personal check.
If drive by shootings only occur on the evening news.
If your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
If you see numerous chauffeur-driven dogs.
If you can see the stars at night.
If people drive 100 miles to shop in a real mall.
If a deer throws itself under your wheels.
If you got a set of new snow tires for Valentines day.
If more than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is moose.
If the term "chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
If the bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
If you only paid $5 to cut down your own douglas fir christmas tree.
If you enjoy a hot chocolate more than you do a margarita.
If a girls basketball game fill's the school gym.
If you put the car heater on your list of best friends.
If you pawned a snow blower instead of a set of golf clubs.
If dressing up means wearing a tie with your flannel shirt.
If you think you're in a traffic jam when you're in the second car at the light.
If you don't use your blinker because everyone already knows where you're going.
If your long john's don't come off until mid-May
Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
Maine Winters
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.
After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
The Teethbrush
Research had been going on for many years in regard to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion about the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Maine.
Intrigued by the discovery, the media asked the researchers how they came to this conclusion.
The researchers all agreed that it was simple deduction: "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
Maine Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above zero
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat....
People in Maine plant gardens.
50 above zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.......
People in Maine sunbathe.
40 above
Italian cars won't start.....
People in Maine drive with the windows down.
32 above
Distilled water freezes.....
Moosehead Lak's water gets thicker (for non-Mainers, this is a lake in Maine)
20 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.....
People in Maine throw on a sweatshirt.
15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat....
People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
zero degrees
People in Miami cease to exist....
Mainers lick the flagpole.
-20 below
Californians fly away to Mexico....
People in Maine get out their winter coats.
-40 below
Hollywood disintergrates.....
The girl scouts in Maine begin selling cookies door to door.
-60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Maine's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes...
People in Maine to ice skating or skiing.
-100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.....
Maine-iacs get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products....
Cows in Maine complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.....
People in Maine start saying..."Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500 below
Hell freezes over......
The New England Patriots win the Super Bowl!
Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week
Buying Houses
I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and his wife built. One day he was talking to his nephew and the following conversation ensued.
"Uncle, do people buy houses?"
"Yes."
"How do they get them home?"
Dumb Maine Laws
- You may not step out of a plane in flight.
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Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
Augusta
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.Portland
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.