Vermont Jokes
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd", her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"
What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow?
Milk of Amnesia
What State?
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change is address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the all asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
A Texan visiting Vermont asked a farmer how large an acreage he cultivated. The Vermonter said, meditatively, “Oh, it’s quite large. My farm extends for about a hundred yards in that direction and for nearly a hundred-twenty yards in that. And how large an acreage do you handle?”
The Texan could not help but smile. “Back home, ” he said, “I have a ranch with my house at one end. I can get into my car at the house early in the morning, turn the ignition, step on the gas, and at the end of the day, still not have reached the other end.”
The Vermont farmer nodded sympathetically. “Tough! I once had a car like that, too.”
Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
You know you're from northern Vermont when:
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.
You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.
The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.
You think everyone from the city has an accent.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.
There is only one shopping plaza in town.
The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.
You find -20F a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.
You can play road hockey on skates.
Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
You actually 'relate' to these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.
A Vermont dairy farmer was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the farmer. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the National Republican Party ." says the farmer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."
Vermont: Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
Party In Vermont
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far away from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin!"
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."
Darn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some kissin' at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says: "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us!"