Sardonic Wisdom
(and maybe a little sarcastic too!)
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is probably not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug;
some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Woman Driver Double FAIL
First World Burping Championship
Tim Janus won the World Burping Championships in New York City setting a world record with an 18.1 second burp.
Just Relaxing
Eating like a pig
Best Tattoo Ever
12 Disappointing Facts About Popular Music
1. Creed has sold more records in the U.S. than Jimi Hendrix
2. Led Zepplin, R.E.M. and Depeche Mode have never had a number one single. Rihanna has had 10
3. Ke$ha’s “Tik-Tok” has sold more copies than any Beatles single ever.
4. Flo Rida’s “Low” has sold 8 million copies – the same as The Beatles “Hey Jude”
5. The Black Eyed Peas “Ive got a feeling” is more popular than any Simon & Garfunkel or Elvis song.
6. Celine Dion’s “Falling Into You” sold more copies than any Queen, Nirvana, or Bruce Springsteen record.
7. Same with Shania Twain’s “Come On Over”
8. Katy Perry holds the same record as Michael Jackson for most number one singles from an album.
9. Barbra Streisand has sold more records (140 million) than Pearl Jam, Johnny Cash, and Tom Petty combined.
10. People actually bought Billy Ray Cyrus’ album “Some Gave All…” 20 million people. More than any Bob Marley album.
11. The cast of “Glee” has had more songs chart than the Beatles.
12. Justin Beiber exists.
Really Officer the house just ran right out in front of me…
The Self-Making Bed
Flag Day June 14th is Flag Day in the USA, marking the date in 1777 when Congress adopted the Stars and Stripes. Some facts about the U.S. flag: — President William Taft issued an executive order in 1912 dictating the proportions for the flag and placement of the stars. Before then, these features were left up to the flagmaker, resulting in unusual star arrangements and odd proportions. — Betsy Ross, often credited with sewing the nation’s first flag, apprenticed not as a seamstress but as an upholsterer, learning to make and repair curtains, bedcovers, tablecloths, rugs, umbrellas and Venetian blinds. — Congress officially adopted the Stars and Stripes as the nation’s flag on June 14, 1777. The next day, Ross married her second husband, Joseph Ashburn. Her first husband, John Ross, had died during the Revolutionary War, as did Ashburn a few years later. Her third marriage, to John Claypoole, lasted 34 years. — The national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner,” is based on a 15-star, 15-stripe flag sewn by Mary Pickersgill for Fort McHenry in Baltimore. Vermont and Kentucky had recently been added to the original 13 states. — The U.S. flag has been modified 26 times since its adoption in 1777. Today’s 50-star flag, created in 1960, has been in use the longest. Source