Alaska Jokes
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Alaska's so Cold That!
You have to carry around hammers and chisels so you can get out of your parka.
People have swirly marks all over their faces from getting too close to those electric stove elements!
Hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs!
We had to go break the smoke off the chimney
I had two feet of ice in my bed... Mine!
We put the meat in the freezer to defrost
We saw a dog stuck to the fire hydrant!
The fire on our candles froze!<
The Polar Bears are heading South!
Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick!
A recent poll in town indicated that 92% of the inhabitants no longer considered global warming a bad thing!
Sourdough Firefighters!
One night out in rural Alaska, a fire started inside the local fuel plant. Before long, it exploded into flames, and an alarm went out to the local volunteer fire department.
After fighting the fire for over an hour, the fuel company president approached a fireman and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. I will give your department $50,000 if you can bring me the plans!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered another fire engine, pronto.
All that was left was a backup reserve group of firefighters over at the station situated way up on top of a hill five miles away.
When the phone call came in from the dispatcher, the ol' sourdough firefighters, none younger than 65 years old, were playing poker, smoking cigars, and talking about the old pioneer gold mining days way back when. They all rushed into their gear, meandered over to their old beat-up fire truck, and drove down the hill toward the blaze at the fuel plant.
The little fire engine raced smack dab into a crowd of people, including a television news crew, running over fire hoses, just missing firefighters and equipment, and stopping right in the middle of the blazing inferno.
In the distance the other firemen watched as the old sourdoughs hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After 15 minutes of intense firefighting, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
Joyous, the fuel company president announced to the news crew that he would double the reward to $100,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the old sourdoughs. After thanking them individually, the news crew interviewed the men and asked what they intended to do with the 100 grand.
The fire truck driver looked straight into the camera and said,
"The first thing we're gonna do is fix them dang brakes on that truck!"
Don't Mess With A Musher's Dog Team!
One night a musher, who had spent many days on the trail, pulled into a small town that liked to tease strangers, which he was.
Seeking refreshment, he entered the town's tavern and ordered a beer.
Finishing his beer, he exited the tavern only to discover that his entire dog team was missing.
He turned and walked back into the tavern and pulled a shotgun out from under his large coat.
He tossed it into the air and caught it above his head firing a shot into the ceiling,
"I'm gonna have me another beer" he announced in a low stern voice.
"And when I'm done with it... I'm going back outside and I had better see my dog team returned. If it isn't... I am going to do what I had to do in Misvik, and believe me, I don't like to do what I had to do in Misvik."
A few of the locals shuffled nervously in their seats as the stranger returned to the bar and ordered another beer and drank it as slowly and calmly as the first one.
After finishing his beer, he left the tavern again, this time to find his team back where it originally was.
Before he mushed off into the darkness, the bartender came outside and asked him "Before you go, stranger, tell me - what did you have to do in Misvik?"
The Dog Musher's Reply:
"I had to walk home."
Ice Fishing!
An old Alaskan Sourdough, a little tipsy from sipping homemade fireweed wine. Decided that this would be a great time to go ice fishing. So he gathered up all his fishing gear, his fishing pole and ice-auger, and went in search of some ice.
He found a great spot, and proceeds to use his auger to drill a hole in the ice, looking forward to some fresh fish for dinner.
As he slowly drills the hole he hears a loud voice say
"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE".
He stopped what he was doing, staggers a little as he looks around, shrugs and goes back to work on the ice hole
The voice booms again
"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE"
This time the drunken sourdough drops his auger, stands at attention the best he can, and looks up and says:
"God? Is that you God?"
And the voice answers
"No! I am not God!"
The tipsy sourdough staggers a little and reaches down for the auger and yells
"IFFEN YOUSE NOT GOD... THEN WHO THE DEVIL YOU ARE... TELLIN ME NO FISHIN I KNOW MY RIGHTS!!!...
The voice interrupts the sourdough's drunken rant saying:
"I AM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK"
You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
. . .there is only one shopping plaza in town.
. . .the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
. . .the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
. . .you find -60c a might chilly.
. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.
. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
. . .when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit) and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.
. . .when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.
. . .when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.
. . .all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.
. . .your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.
. . .freezing, 32 degrees(Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.
. . .you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
. . .you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
. . .the mosquitoes have landing lights.
. . .you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.
. . .you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
. . .you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
. . .driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
. . .you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
. . .you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
. . .at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
. . .the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
. . .your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
. . .you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
. . .you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.
. . .you know that the term "Break Up" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.
. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.
. . .there is a bottle of Avon's Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.
. . .you don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler.
. . .you have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.
. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.
. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver's side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)
. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.
. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. (If you don't know, don't ask)
. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.
. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.
. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.
. . .you learned to swim indoors.
. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.
. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.
. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.
. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.
. . .you know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.
. . .you know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.
Living in Paradise
Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.
Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan. 15 -2 degrees outside. More blasted snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.
Jan.16 Darn blasted white snow keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the jerk that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan.17 Six darn more inches of blasted snow and sleet and ice and God knows what other kind of white crap fell last night. I wounded the snowplow jerk with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -62 degrees. I'm moving back to Albuquerque.
You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .when you're outside at -40 below , shoveling snow in your shorts , well you know it's a hassle putting on all those cloths for just 10 minutes.
. . .when your friend calls you up and says "Hey, I have some furniture for sale. Is there enough room in your igloo for it?"
. . .you are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, "Boy, I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit."
. . .you can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.
. . .you have called an 800 number you found in a catalog and then were told "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship out of the United States." (Try saying "North Pole", most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you're some kind of prankster.)
. . .you put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October.
. . .you know going "outside" involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard.
. . .you have ever worn a tie with waders.
. . .you have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark."
. . .you know Bunny Boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.
. . .you know the meaning of the word "baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.
. . .you think it's normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road.
. . .there are only three seasons: winter, breakup, summer.
. . .your local golf course has "happy hour" between 1:00 and 2:00 am
. . .the seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won't freeze to it when you have to sit down for a amount of time.
. . .when you have to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 min. so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work.
. . .when you leave the water running in the sink so your pipes won't freeze and you can't sleep because all you can hear is the water running.
. . .Instead of plugging in your freezer you just move it to the front porch!
. . .You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut!
. . .You go to shop for a second vehicle and come home with a snowmobile!
. . .you're buying a house & you have to ask for water & electricity as an option.
Alaska's More Important Laws
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
The Bear Hunters?
Two Cheechakos (rookie- newcomer) decided to go to Alaska and hunt Bear! After they were flown in and dropped off at a lone cabin deep in the tundra wilderness, a light snow started falling.
One of the Cheechakos grew restless and decided to go outside and see if he could find a bear to shoot, while the other stayed in the cabin to cook up a meal for the both of them.
The Cheechako hunter, feeling a bit chilled, spied a huge grizzly bear not far from the cabin, the bear was at least four times bigger then he ever imagined possible.
Shivering in the cold, he pictured himself eating hot, tasty bear stew from a huge cooking pot, so the unskilled hunter decided to sneak up on the grizzly bear.
Quaking in his brand new hiking/hunting boots, he lifted his trembling rifle... and shot the bear... slightly wounding it's ear.
The huge grizzly more startled then injured, charged while snarling and growling angrily, towards the inept hunter.
The fool-hardy hunter froze for a second... then not knowing that you can't outrun a bear, dropped his rifle and ran as fast as he was able towards the cabin, yelling at the top of his lungs to his friend inside the cabin to
"OPEN THE DOOR!! OPEN THE DOOR!"
His Cheechako friend opened the door and looked out to see what all the commotion was, just in time to see his hunting buddy trip and fell flat at the door step,causing the huge bear running right on his heels, to trip over his buddy and roll right through the cabin door.
The fallen Cheechako quickly jumped up, grabbed the open door and slammed it shut, trapping the huge grizzly in the cabin with his friend, while yelling excitedly...
"YOU HURRY UP AND SKIN THIS ONE! WHILE I GO GET ANOTHER ONE!"