California Jokes

California Jokes

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
 

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California Valley Girl Jokes

 

1. Did you hear about the two California Valley Girls who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
2. Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve California Valley Girls were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
3. A California Valley Girl was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a e, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
4. So the California Valley Girl went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
5. Her roommate, another California Valley Girl, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first California Valley Girl told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
6. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to Roll up the windows first."
7. A California Valley Girl went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The California Valley Girl was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the California Valley Girl had tears streaming down her face.
8. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the California Valley Girl, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.
9. A California Valley Girl was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold" "Wow, said the California Valley Girl, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
10. "What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee".

11. A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) California Valley Girl. The puzzled California Valley Girl kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

    Nevertheless, the California Valley Girl continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

12. A young man wanted to get his beautiful California Valley Girl wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

    The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

    Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear As a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

    "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

    "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

 

California Valley Girl LOGIC

Two California Valley Girls living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ........and one California Valley Girl says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other California Valley Girl turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A California Valley Girl pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a California Valley Girl for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this California Valley Girl out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another California Valley Girl on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second California Valley Girl looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young female claiming to be an Engineering College Student goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The student took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a Engineering College Student, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a California Valley Girl." "I thought so," the doctor said; "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the California Valley Girl behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the California Valley Girl yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

CALIFORNIA VALLEY GIRL ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a California Valley Girl were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The California Valley Girl said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the California Valley Girl replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM

A California Valley Girl was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE CALIFORNIA VALLEY GIRL JOKE TO END ALL CALIFORNIA VALLEY GIRL JOKES!

A girl was visiting her California Valley Girl friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The California Valley Girl responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the California Valley Girl . "They're watch dogs!"

 

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A short story...

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please indicate activities you perform while driving: Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____ b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium If none, please explain: _______________________________

What is the length of your daily commute? a) 1 hour b) 2 hours c) 3 hours d) 4 hours or more TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on TV in a high-speed chase c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through d) Call your therapist e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, you should: a) Stop your car b) Keep driving and hope for the best c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the event of rain, you should: a) Never drive over 5 MPH b) Drive twice as fast as usual c) You're not sure what "rain" is When stopped by police, you should: a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof virtual window on your left.

 

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Californians

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

 

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You know you're from California if: