New York Jokes

Oh Lordy!

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."

Blonde Flying to New York

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

You Might Be From New York If...

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

• You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

• The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.

• Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.

• You think Central Park is "nature."

• You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.

• You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

• You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

• You have 27 different take-out menus next to your tele- phone.

• Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.

• America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

• You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.

• You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

• You don't hear sirens anymore.

• You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

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Rules for Driving in New York City

1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.

2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.

4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

5) Always look both ways when running a red light.

6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

Unfamiliar with a term

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, “Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?”

The Saudi says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s meat?”

The North Korean says, “What’s an opinion?”

The New Yorker, says, “Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?”

Doesn't Want to Move to New York

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to New York. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker urged him to reconsider pointing out that New York is a magnificent city, with world class museums, Broadway, Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, the United Nations, outstanding dining, etc. Then he added, "Why I myself worked in New York for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working." "What did you do there?" "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

A Blonde Takes Out a Loan for $5,000 A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"