North Carolina Jokes
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
The owner of a golf course in Asheville was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of North Carolina and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my Earrings."
You gotta love those North Carolina women.
NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina 's worst air disaster occurred! When a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
A man in Marion, had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either. __________________
A group of Western North Carolina friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Bubba?" the others asked.
"Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back?" they Inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to Steal Bubba!"
A senior citizen of North Carolina was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Burnsville ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Burnsville because everything happens in Burnsville 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
The young man from Green Mountain came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license tag number."
2000 Federal Census for North Carolina
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:
____ M
_____ F
_____ Not sure
Shoe Size:
____ Left
____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:_____________________
3rd Spouse's Name:_____________________
Lover's Name:__________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4
(Circle highest grade completed)
Do you
(_) own or
(_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196___
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes
(_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Left______
Right_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
You Know You're From North Carolina If...
1. You've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car trip to Raleigh.
2. You can't imagine life without Bojangles' sweet tea.
3. Your 'heavy winter clothing' consists of a sweater and a London Fog with lining.
4. You get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes, and grits.
5. You own at least one t-shirt from Burt’s Surf Shop and The Sanitary Fishmarket.
6. In summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every meal.
7. You can recognize a copperhead and your heart drops when you see one.
8. You have an opinion about UNC. You either went there and loved it or you hate everyone who did. And when you think of Duke, it’s mayonnaise.
9. You sold Krispy Kreme doughnuts for a school or church fundraiser before those glazed doughnuts went global.
10. You remember watching the ACC Tournament on television at school.
11. You know it's pronounced APPALACHIAN and not "App-a-lay-shun.”
12. You can spell words such as Ocracoke, Fuquay-Varina and Chocowinity.
13. You know that barbecue is a food and not an occasion and it applies to pork, not hotdogs or hamburgers.
14. You carry jumper cables in your car.
15. You have been skinny dipping.
16. One inch of snow closes school and shuts down the city.
17.You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you have family members.
18.You’ve ever had to switch from “Heat" to “A/C" in the same day.
19. You know what a "pig pickin" is and you can't wait to go.
20.You know what “cow tipping" is.