35 Universal Truths
1 The people most fearful of crime in big cities, don’t live in big cities.
2 When you have 10 channels, you can always find something to watch. When you have 500, you complain there’s nothing on.
3 One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4 You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green chips.
5 As kids we all entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6 Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7 Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8 You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9 Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
10 Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11 You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12 Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13 Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14 Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15 You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16 Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17 The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19 Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20 Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21 Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22 Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23 Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24 You never ever run out of salt.
25 Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26 You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27 There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29 Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30 The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31 People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32 You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33 Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34 Bricks are horrible to carry.
35 Porn and cats are overrepresented on the internet.