Hawaii Jokes
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Da Gorilla
One morning wen Kimo woke up, he looked out his back yard window an wen spahk one huge gorilla up in his mango tree! So he was all freek out an so he wen call duh zoo for come help him. Russell duh zoo keeper anwered da phone an Kimo toll him what he saw in his back yard mango tree an Russell said, he be rite ovah!Ten hours latah, Russell showed up in his truck, an with him he wen have one mean ass dobahman pintchah, one shot-gun an one pair hand cuffs. So he wen ask Kimo, wea da gorrilla stay? Kimo said, come wit me I sho you. So dey wen go in da back yard an went ovah to da mango tree an shuwa enuff, da Gorrilla was up da tree. So Russell wen tie da dog to da tree and he told Kimo. I going climb up da tree, an wen I get next to da gorrila, I going kick da buggah out of da tree. Wen he hit da ground, da dog going grab da Gorillas Balls and clamp on. Da Gorrilla going scream an grab da dog by his muzzle. Wen he does dat, put da hand cuffs on da Gorrilla!
Kimo wen say K-den but, what da shot gun fo? Oh, das in case wen I climb up da tree an if da Gorrilla kick me out first, SHOOT DA DOG!!!
Hawaiian Ice Fishing
Two Hawaiian bruddahs decided to go fishing on ice for the first time. As they picked through the ice a voice rang out, “Noooo fishing here!”
“Wow!” Kimo said, “eh Moki, you heard that”?
“No!” replied Moki.
They continued to pick and again the voice rang out, ” I said Noooo fishing here!”
Moki said, "HO KIMO, I heard dat one"... then Kimo gazed to the heaven and said, “Is that you, our fish god Aumakua?”
“NO!!” the voice cried
“This is the manager of Ice Palace!”
The Road to Hawaii
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they emperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
A short story...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of ablaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
“You Know You’re From Hawaii If…”
- You buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike…
- You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice…
- You know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red…
- You know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors…
- You know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
- You know what lei day is…
- You know what is the “stink eye”; and how to give it…
- You can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
- You know what a “huli huli chicken” is…
- You can name 3 varieties of mangos…
- You have at least one family member whose name is “_____ boy; or “tita”…
- You have said “wat, owe you money?,”; “karang your alas”; or “da kine”…
- You know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
- You give directions using mauka and makai…
- You know what it takes to get into kamehameha school…
- You know how to correctly pronounce “Likelike”…
- Someone says the word “UKU” and your head starts itching. eeww…
- You raise your chin to say “wassup” instead of nodding. (like one haole)…
- When making “Shaka” the back of your hand is facing out.
- You say, “Nori” not seaweed paper…
- You say “Brah” not “Bro”…
- You know why Sharks Cove is called Sharks Cove…
- You laugh at couples with cheesy Aloha attire…
- If you get one pair of “tata” slippers…
- When you e-mail mail people in pidgin…
- You know what is “Morgan’s Corner”. (And it still scares you!)
- If you’re immune to “leptospirosis”.
- When it’s 70 degrees and it’s freezing to you.
- You use “tako” instead of worms or fluorescent pink fish eggs for bait…
- You got lickins’ with “da rubbah slippah”…
- If you can walk through Waianae and not get mobbed…
- You know that “Kukui nut” is not some mental person…
- You’ve given Kahi Mohala’s number out to a guy/girl you didn’t like…
- You call it “saimin” not “Top Ramen”…
- The surf report is on your speed dial…
- Your local kids wear slippers and shorts in November in Michigan! (inside the house, of course!)…
- “Dressing up” means shorts and a aloha shirt.
- You say “shave ice”, not snow cone or shaved ice…
- Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date.
- You know pineapples don’t grow in trees.
- When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy’s Chili
- Your mouth waters when you hear the words li-hing mui.