Missouri Jokes

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Teacher-What’s the capital of Missouri? Student-The M.

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day.
       One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.  At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
       When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone.  Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid?"
       So to the back fence they went.  First up was the Florida contractor.
       He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
       Next was the Missouri contractor.  He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my       crew, and $100 profit for me."

       Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much.  Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
       The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
       "Easy," says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MISSOURI IF:

You've never met any celebrities.

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

"Vacation" means driving through Arnold or going to Six Flags.

You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

You measure distance in minutes.

"Down south" to you means Tennessee.

You know several people who have hit a deer.

You think Missouri is spelled with an "a" at the end.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:  "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should.

You know what "cow tipping" or "Possum Kicking" is.

You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You think I-44 is spelled "foarty-foar."

You think that deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find 105 degrees F "a little warm".

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Construction

You know if another Missourian is from eastern, middle or western Missouri as soon as they open their mouth.

You think "frog gigging" should be an Olympic sport.

You've ever tried to use a butter knife to cut the summertime air to get some relief.

You think Imo's is larger than Pizza Hut.

You failed world geography in school because you thought Cuba, Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana, Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri.